I shall succeed! Isn't that something that should come easily to a person whose life has been rapt with successful conclusions to harrowing trials and tribulations? You would think so, wouldn't you? But, confidence has never come easily to me -- hence the harrowing trials and tribulations. I have had to struggle through disappointments and decisions that have affected me or someone I loved since I was a teenager.
My life, all cherries and tin man smiles, began with success. My mother, who was told she'd never have children, bore my brother and then me. I guess you could say that was a "success" she accomplished and not the other way around. The Beave lived on my block in suburban hell and Donna Reed was just down the street. Dad -- the man of the house and mom -- the house wife (although she hated vacuuming and didn't wear pearls) were the strengths of our household. They created a valueful, moralistic home life for me and my brother.
After moving to Denver at age 19 I met my best friend, Racheal. In high school I was never popular -- tended to be teased daily. Racheal was the total opposite of me. She was beautiful, skinny, popular, and a drug addict. I remember the first time she offered coke to me -- "You don't have to." -- But at that point in my life I did have to. I needed something to grasp onto and not let go -- I needed a real friend. So, yes, the drugs entered my life with a vengeance and the writing, my passion since I was a wee one, exited. Nine years later I looked at myself in the mirror. I said to myself "I shall succeed!" and threw my stash down the toilet. I cut ties with Racheal and went back to school. The day I graduated was the day I knew those three words were the reason for my success.
After graduation some major health problems arose causing me to lose my job. I didn't have any insurance, money, and I was living with my parents. I moved to Omaha to be near my brother and his family, hoping to also find a permanent job. No such luck! But one day I woke up, looked in the mirror and said "I shall succeed!" The next day I went to see a doctor about my health problems. He offered to do surgery Pro Bono. I was floored. But that's not all. I had only been in Omaha for a few months but the hospital where the surgery was taking place offered to also foot the bill. It was an amazing time.
After the health problems were gone I received a call from an old friend. Racheal had killed herself. I cried for days knowing I could have tried to bring her out of the depressive lifestyle she had immersed herself in...but I also knew she had to have wanted to succeed. So I uttered "I shall succeed" in her honor.
But still there was no permanent job and my parents were tired of paying my expenses. I said to myself "I shall succeed!" The next day a friend offered me an interview back in Denver. I packed up and moved back without hesitation. The job didn't pan out but I didn't lose hope. I interviewed for many jobs that had to do with writing. Three weeks after moving back to Denver I was hired as a proofreader for a law firm. I have been at the company for four years -- the longest time at one company.
For the last four years I have concentrated on my writing -- trying to make it the best I can. Every day I wake up and utter those three words. Last February I applied to Goddard College for their MFA program and was accepted. I begin this February. Every day I have to continue to utter "I shall succeed!" or my mind may wander towards the "What if I don't succeed?" and that is not a place I want to be.
